When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall
looking frantic.
-- Steven Wright "When I was four years old they tried to test my IQ, they showed me this picture of three oranges and a pear. They asked me which one is different and does not belong, they taught me different was wro If you cannot be the master of your language, you must be its slave. If you cannot examine your
thoughts, you have no choice but to think them, however silly they may be.
-- Richard Mitchell, from The only thing you take with you when you're gone is what you leave behind.
-- John Allston It ain't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so.
-- Will Rogers Sales "There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it." (Christopher Darlington Morley) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
-- Douglas Adams It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
- Albert Einstein Sales
Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
-- Indian proverb Hell is paved with good samaritans.
-- William M. Holden I don't want everyone to like me; I should think less of myself if some people did.
-- Henry James To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive, and the true success is to labour.
-- Robert L. Stevenson "Ah! Don't say you agree with me. When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong." (Oscar Wilde) Sales Facts are the enemy of truth.
- Don Quixote - Man of La Mancha If God had meant us to vote, He would have given us candidates.
-- Seen on a bumper sticker Love is like the measles. The older you get it, the worse the attack.
-- Mary Roberts Rhinehart Sales
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and
intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
- Galileo Galilei The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains.The superior teacher demonstrates. The
great teacher inspires.
-- William Arthur Ward If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor
one.
-- Dr. W.C. Heuper of the National Cancer Institute, as quoted in the New York Times on Apri I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
-- Douglas Adams "One will rarely err if extreme actions be ascribed to vanity, ordinary actions to habit, and mean actions to fear." (Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche) Sales More than kisses, letters mingle souls.
-- John Donne The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its
coattails.
-- Clarence Darrow Sales
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the
source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity,
ign "Fake is as old as the Eden tree." (George Orson Welles) The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
- Lucille S. Harper The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
-- George Bernard Shaw God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
-- Voltaire Sales Ninety percent of everything is crap.
-- Theodore Sturgeon It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
-- Gore Vidal The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth which it
prevents you from achieving.
-- Russell Green Sales
What is the answer? In that case, what is the question?
-- Gertrude Stein, dying words "He who speaks of what he knows not only works hard to portray his ignorance." (Joseph Muchemi) Youth is wasted on the young.
-- George Bernard Shaw The planting of trees is the least self-centered of all that we can do. It is a purer act of faith than
the procreation of children.
-- Thornton Wilder "People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say." (Kurt Vonnegut) Sales Give me a museum and I'll fill it.
-- Pablo Picasso We need the iron qualities that go with true manhood. We need the positive virtues of resolution,
of courage, of indomitable will, of power to do without shrinking the rough work that must always
be Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc
jockey is not allowed to talk.
-- Fran Lebowitz Sales
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up. -- Nash We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx "A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool." (William Shakespeare) "Even death is unreliable. Instead of zero it may be some ghastly hallucination, such as the square root of minus one." (Samuel Beckett) To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties.
-- Arthur Schopenhauer Sales I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.... This is an ex-parrot.
-- John Cleese, Monty Python, British comedy television show Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
-- Irwin Corey Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.
-- Grace Hansen Sales
A beauty is a woman you notice; A charmer is one who notices you.
-- Adlai Stevenson Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got a hold of for the
moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future
generations "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world, indeed it is the only thing that ever has." (Margaret Mead, 1901-78) Nothing is beneath you if it is in the direction of your life.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the
influences under which he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the
physician Sales "Everything in my life has been determined by mistakes." (Gene Wilder) Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
-- Semisonic, Closing Time Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the
wrong remedies.
-- Groucho Marx Sales
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we
respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-- H. L. Mencken Love is blind -- marriage is the eye-opener.
-- Pauline Thomason I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
-- Thomas Edison I want to die in my sleep like my friend.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his
car.
-- Seen on a bumper sticker Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
-- Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting
married Sales This is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love; the more they give, the more
they possess.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
-- Abraham Lincoln "From the start, marriage was instituted for contemptible, practical reasons--an idea of men." (Catherine Deneuve) Sales
We must become the change we want to see.
-- Gandhi The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes "A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits." (Woodrow Wilson, 28th US president, 1856-1924) blah "This is the hardest of all: to close the open hand out of love, and keep modest as a giver." (Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche) Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
-- Martin Mull Sales There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
-- Steven Wright "I don't believe people die. They just go uptown. To Bloomingdales. They just take longer to get back." (Andy Warhol) I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.
-- Jules Renard Sales
Whoever is not a misanthrope at forty can never have loved mankind.
-- Sebastian Roch Nicolas Chamfort There's no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse!
-- Calvin "REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion." (Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary) There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a
natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911 Sales I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat
people.
-- Ed Bluestone "Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect every one who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force. Whenever you give up that force, you are ine Love is blind -- marriage is the eye-opener.
-- Pauline Thomason Sales
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." (Douglas Adams) "Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same." (George Bernard Shaw) "Everywhere one seeks to produce meaning, to make the world signify, to render it visible. We are not, however, in danger of lacking meaning; quite the contrary, we are gorged with meaning and it is k Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by the traffic from
both sides.
-- Margaret Thatcher When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is
when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.
-- Marcel Achard Sales Consequences, schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich!
-- Chuck Jones-directed cartoon I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way
around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.
-- Frank J. Dobie, A Texan in England, 1945 Sales
