In the end, everything is a gag.
-- Charlie Chaplin A problem is a chance for you to do your best.
-- Buke Ellington It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
-- Mae West He who has a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.
- Friedrich Nietzsche The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.
-- Richard Braunstein Guides and Directories "Being born is like being kidnapped. And then sold into slavery." (Andy Warhol) Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.
-- Ralph Marston I date this girl for two years--and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name."
-- Mike Binder Guides and Directories
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner "Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works." (Michael Douglas, as Gordon Gekko, Wall Street, 1987) Give me a museum and I'll fill it.
-- Pablo Picasso Honorable, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary
to mention all members as honorable; as, ``the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.'
-- Bierce, A I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
-- Mark Twain Guides and Directories Women: If they're not turning down your proposals for marriage, they're accusing you of
suspicious behavior in the women's lingerie changing room.
-- Cliff Clavin, character on "Cheers", U.S. Televi A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
- Helen Rowland We do not remember days; we remember moments.
-- Anonymous Guides and Directories
Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item.
-- Anonymous Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
-- Mark Twain Dogma is the sacrifice of wisdom to consistency.
- Lewis Perelman Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc
jockey is not allowed to talk.
-- Fran Lebowitz A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There
are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's
reall Guides and Directories If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.
-- Bob Edwards The telephone company is urging people to *please* not use the telephone unless it is absolutely
necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this
bre Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-
Box.
-- Wil Shriner Guides and Directories
Always behave like a duck--keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil
underneath.
-- Jacob Braude I will try to follow the advice that a university president once gave a prospective commencement
speaker. "Think of yourself as the body at an Irish wake" he said. "They need you in order to have
th "In some ways, I never outgrew my adolescence. I wake up in the morning and think, 'Oh my God, I'm late for a math test!' But then I say, 'Wait a minute. I'm 40.'" (Daniel Clowes) When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims
of intact ones.
-- Peter DeVries Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get
money from it.
-- Stephen Leacock Guides and Directories What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.
-- Abraham Lincoln The planting of trees is the least self-centered of all that we can do. It is a purer act of faith than
the procreation of children.
-- Thornton Wilder I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.
-- Albert Einstein Guides and Directories
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
-- Paul Valery Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
- Isaac Asimov Do not assume that she who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and
quiet words that sometimes do you good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that
remains fa The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline
luggage.
-- Mark Russell May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid. Guides and Directories A true gentleman is one who is never unintentionally rude.
-- Oscar Wilde Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. Of course, it is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwile careers in the
street-cleansing, fruit-picking and subway-guitar-playing industries have been founded on a lack
of u Guides and Directories
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than
you is a maniac.
-- George Carlin All virtue is summed up in dealing justly.
-- Aristotle Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-- Anonymous "Vegiburgers are wrong." (Mike Kaup) Live TV died in the late 1950s, electronic bulletin boards came along in the mid-1980s, meaning
there was about a 25-year gap when it was difficult to put your foot in your mouth and have
people all Guides and Directories "In order to attain the impossible, one must attempt the absurd." (Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, 1547-1616) A man who marries a woman to educate her falls a victim to the same fallacy as the woman who
marries a man to reform him.
-- Elbert Hubbard The death of democracy is not likely to be an assassination from ambush. It will be a slow
extinction from apathy, indifference, and undernourishment.
-- Robert Hutchins, Great Books, 1954 Guides and Directories
Half of the American people never read a newspaper.
Half never voted for President.
One hopes it is the same half.
-- Gore Vidal Tauzin backs term limits -- But he thinks it's a bad idea.
-- Headline, story in the New Orleans Times-Picayune, Feb 20, 1995 It is well, when judging a friend, to remember that he is judging you with the same godlike and
superior impartiality.
-- Arnold Bennett CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the
table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the
disg Some men are born with cold feet; some acquire cold feet; and some have cold feet thrust upon
them.
-- Anonymous Guides and Directories Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
-- Chinese Proverb When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with
the buttered side down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the 2 will hover,
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to
contact us.
-- Bill Watterson, in his comic strip Calvin and Hobbes Guides and Directories
The promises of maniacs, like those of women, are not safely relied upon.
-- Joseph Heller, God Knows In the late 1600s the finest instruments originated from three rural families whose workshops
were side by side in the Italian village of Cremona. First were the Amatis, and outside their shop
hung The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
-- George Bernard Shaw I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked
me in the cellar.
-- Anonymous If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.
-- Voltaire Guides and Directories "There is no such thing as a person that nothing has happened to, and each person's story is as different as his fingertips." (Elsa Lanchester) Hell is a half-filled auditorium.
-- Robert Frost When a thing has been said and said well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it.
-- Anatole France Guides and Directories
Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do.
-- Oscar Wilde "I am the lizard king. I can do anything." (James Douglas Morrison, lead singer of The Doors) It is always right that a man should be able to render a reason for the faith that is within him.
-- Sydney Smith Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce "I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it." (Thomas Jefferson, to Archibald Stuart, 1791) Guides and Directories Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-- George Clemenceau It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
- Aristotle Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism in that by giving us the
opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
-- Oscar W Guides and Directories
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
-- Albert Einstein A woman's always younger than a man of equal years.
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Aurora Leigh I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin That is the best -- to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.
-- Gloria Vanderbilt The artist alone sees spirits. But after he has told of their appearing to him, everybody sees them.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Guides and Directories "All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." (Edger Allen Poe) A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
-- Michel de Montaigne The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but
newspapers.
-- Thomas Jefferson Guides and Directories
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
- Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943 Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
-- Tom Clancy Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its
coattails.
-- Clarence Darrow I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street.
-- Virginia Woolf Guides and Directories The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
-- Tom Clancy Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. "In times of change learners inherit the earth; while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists." (Eric Hoffer) Guides and Directories
