I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the
calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.
-- Mark Twain The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and
remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't
work and the When you're away, I'm restless, lonely
Wretched, bored, dejected; only
here's the rub, my darling dear,
I feel the same when you are here.
-- Samuel Hoffenstein Marriage is like a box of chocolates. You have to squeeze a few bottoms to make sure you like
what you are getting.
-- Anonymous If you want a place in the sun, you've got to put up with a few blisters.
-- Abigail Van Buren Government Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
-- Mae West You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald
spot.
-- Elayne Boosler I think, therefore I'm single.
-- Female philosopher Government
Having once decided to achieve a certain task, achieve it at all costs of tedium and distaste. The
gain in self-confidence of having accomplished a tiresome labor is immense.
-- Thomas Arnold Bennet The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
-- Jilly Cooper Why yes -- a bulletproof vest.
-- James Rodges, murderer, on his final request before the firing squad We haven't the money, so we've got to think.
-- Lord Rutherford The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. -- Groucho Marx Government There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
-- Benjamin Disraeli "He who cannot give anything away cannot feel anything either." (Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche) If you want a place in the sun, you've got to put up with a few blisters.
-- Abigail Van Buren Government
"There is no sin except stupidity." (Oscar Wilde) "The order of the world is always right - such is the judgment of God. For God has departed, but he has left his judgment behind, the way the Cheshire Cat left his grin." (Jean Baudrillard) "Bread feeds the body, indeed, but flowers feed also the soul." (The Prophet Mohammad) I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.
-- Oscar Levant "I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs
long enough."
-- Arizona senatorial candidate Claire Sargent, on women candidates Government Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
- Auric Goldfinger, in Goldfinger by Ian L. Fleming The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
-- Paula Poundstone The first duty of love is to listen.
-- Paul Tillich Government
Anything is possible, but only a few things actually happen.
-- Richard Rosen I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain
and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise. Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you
underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
-- Matt Groening, Love is Hell Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good
questions.
-- Woody Allen Government In medieval times, people thought that evil spirits could enter a person through an open mouth.
These days they more often leave that way.
-- David Deckert It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain "Have you ever fed your pocket and starved your soul?" (Ivana Santilli, Too Deep) Government
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
-- Katherine Cebrian The best defense is a good offense.
-- Anonymous If something is boring after two minutes, try it for four. If still boring, then eight. Then sixteen. Then thirty-two. Eventually one discovers that it is not boring at all." (John Cage) If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
-- Aristotle Onassis Anything too stupid to be said, is sung.
-- Voltaire Government "Common sense and education are highly compatible; in fact, neither is worth much without the other." (Donald G. Smith) It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching.
-- St. Francis of Assisi If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants.
-- Isaac Newton Government
Sex is God's joke on human beings.
-- Bette Davis Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
-- Stephen Leacock The best teacher is the one who suggests rather than dogmatizes, and inspires his listener with
the wish to teach himself.
-- Edward Bulwer-Lytton Youth is wasted on the young.
-- George Bernard Shaw I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put
over my kitchen table.
-- Rodney Dangerfield Government "The concerned investment banker is the one who blows the horn on his Mercedes as he drives through a red light." (Anonymous) By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you
will become a philosopher.
-- Socrates "Failure is not an option!" (Ed Harris, as Gene Kranz, Apollo 13) Government
"Some people must go to extremes to get the world in balance for themselves. Some can't bear bright lights, so wherever they go they search for the dark; they turn the lights down, anything to sustain One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture and, if
possible, speak a few reasonable words.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Per cubic inch, your current TV set is perhaps the dumbest appliance in your home (and I'm not
even talking about the programs).
-- Nicholas Negroponte It's true that I did get the girl, but then my grandfather always said, "Even a blind chicken finds a
few grains of corn now and then."
-- Lyle Lovett, musician, upon marying actress Julia Roberts, My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a
philosopher.
- Socrates Government "Murder is the very bed-rock of our social institutions." (Octave Mirbeau, The Torture Garden) Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever. blah "An engaged woman is always more agreeable than a disengaged. She is satisfied with herself. Her cares are over, and she feels that she may exert all her powers of pleasing without suspicion." ( Government
When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall
looking frantic.
-- Steven Wright "I like boring things." (Andy Warhol, Holy Terror: Andy Warhol Close Up) "I hear, I know. I see, I remember. I do, I understand." (Confucius, 551 BC-479) For best results: wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good
results: drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.
-- Laundry instructions on a shirt A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
- Frank Lloyd Wright Government Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.
-- Bertrand Russell A small family is soon provided for.
-- English Proverb The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
- Lucille S. Harper Government
Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window.
You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house.
-- Jean Ke I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
- Steven Wright The empires of the future are the empires of the mind.
-- Winston Churchill Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
-- Anonymous The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived
in this century. I didn't live in this century.
-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republic Government The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline
luggage.
-- Mark Russell We see the brightness of a new page where everything yet can happen.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke, Book of Hours This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but hurled with great force.
-- Dorothy Parker Government
The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing that you will make one.
-- Ellen Hubbard Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
- William Jennings Bryan Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.
-- Anonymous A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
-- Walter Winchell Government Every man knows his follies and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
-- Josh Billings The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be
feasible.
- A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper prop A true gentleman is one who is never unintentionally rude.
-- Oscar Wilde Government
"A wise man among the ignorant is as a beautiful girl in the company of blind men." (Saadi) I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used.
-- Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, dying words Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Gustav Jung To teach is to learn twice.
-- Joseph Joubert The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!
-- Mark Russell Government God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at
the same time.
- Robin Williams, commenting on the Clinton/Lewinsky affair blah "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift." (Steve Roland Prefontaine) If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded.
-- Maya Angelou Government
