The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the
calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.
-- Mark Twain My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
-- Christopher Morley Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its
coattails.
-- Clarence Darrow I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for
half the money.
-- Arthur Godfrey V CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the
table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the
disg "REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion." (Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary) Journalism consists largely in saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones
was alive.
-- G. K. Chesterton V
"There are some enterprises in which a careful disorderliness is the true method." (Herman Melville, Moby Dick) Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war.
-- Pentagon official, on why US military censored graphic footage from the Gulf War Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot. The greatest homage to truth is to use it.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson V blah "Ability wins us the esteem of the true men; luck that of the people." (François VI Duke (duc) de La Rochefoucauld, 1616-80) We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
-- Decca Recording Company, rejecting the Beatles, 1962 But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
- Andrew Marvell V
Tear open packet, unfold and use.
-- Directions on moist towelette package Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
-- Ken Dodd There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to
be a coincidence.
-- Jeremy S. Anderson If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings.
-- Lisa Moriyama "Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer." (Jack Handey) V Good friends are good for your health.
-- Irwin Sarason When women go wrong, men go right after them.
-- Mae West "I couldn't find the sports car of my dreams, so I built it myself." (Dr. Ferdinand Porsche) V
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-- Anonymous Flowers are words which even a baby can understand.
-- Arthur C. Coxe "For how can one know color in perpetual green, and what good is warmth without cold to give it sweetness?" (John Steinbeck, Travels With Charley) "Pay no attention to what the critics say; there has never been set up a statue in honor of a critic." (Jean Sibelius) I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never
be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.
-- Abraham Lincoln, in a letter to V Neither fire nor wind, birth nor death can erase our good deeds.
-- Buddha The only thing you take with you when you're gone is what you leave behind.
-- John Allston Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an
inquest.
-- H. L. Mencken V
Hell is paved with good samaritans.
-- William M. Holden I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain
and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.
-- Oscar Wilde Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson.
-- Vernon Law Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
-- P. J. O'Rourke V blah "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift." (Steve Roland Prefontaine) Work expands to fill the time available.
-- PARKINSON'S LAW The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
-- Tom Clancy V
"Learn from the mistakes of others--you can never live long enough to make them all yourself." (John Luther) There is no one so bound to his own face that he does not cherish the hope of presenting another
to the world.
-- Antonio Machado When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of
the world.
- George Washington Carver I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
-- Henry Ford V Asking politicians to vote themselves out of power is like asking rabbits not to multiply, it ain't
natural.
-- Bob Beckel, on term limits, CBS This Morning, 3/30/95 Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. If it were weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
-- Rodney Dangerfield V
Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, "Certainly, I can!" Then get busy and find
out how to do it.
-- Theodore Roosevelt "True friends, like diamonds, are precious and rare. False friends, like autumn leaves, are found everywhere." (Anonymous) Elegance of language may not be in the power of all of us; but simplicity and straight forwardness
are. Write much as you would speak; speak as you think. If with your inferior, speak no coarser
tha Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-- Wernher Von Braun Sir, I would rather be right than be President.
-- Henry Clay, Speech, 1850, referring to the Compromise Measure V To die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture.
-- Anatole France "He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself." (Thomas Paine) Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. V
Women are the only exploited group in history to have been idealized into powerlessness.
-- Erica Jong Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way
around the laws.
- Plato Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any
antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the
lessons that history has to teach.
-- Aldous Huxley "Where there's a marriage without love there will be love without marriage." (Benjamin Franklin) V Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends.
-- Virginia Woolf, Bernard, in The Waves, 1931; repr. 1943, p. 189 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
-- G. K. Chesterton A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What
do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came
back with ano V
Why yes -- a bulletproof vest.
-- James Rodges, murderer, on his final request before the firing squad For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-
knowing.
- Henry Louis Mencken "We always get bored with those whom we bore." (François VI Duke (duc) de La Rochefoucauld, 1616-80) "He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself." (Thomas Paine) May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead. V And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly,
what is essential is invisible to the eye.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery "Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame." (Erica Jong) The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten.
-- Mark Twain V
"Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women ... and the other ten percent I wasted." (Tug McGraw, Major League Baseball pitcher) Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
-- Anonymous If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does
come, we no longer exist.
-- Epicurus Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
-- Jim Backus V "The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances." (Viktor E. Frankl) The covers of this book are too far apart.
-- Ambrose Bierce In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update
would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every
computer that th V
Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.
-- Bertrand Russell Biography lends to death a new terror.
-- Oscar Wilde There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who can't.
-- Seen on a bumper sticker The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth which it
prevents you from achieving.
-- Russell Green Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc
jockey is not allowed to talk.
-- Fran Lebowitz V "Everybody knows that if you are too careful, you become so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something." (Gertrude Stein) "A man is only as faithful as his opportunity." (Chris Rock) Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the
writing will be just as it should be.
-- Mark Twain V
